I've been thinking about you a lot, since you mean so many different things to me. On this, your first day, 47 years ago, I became an aunt for the first time. So exciting and mystifying at the same time. My aunts and uncles were all older people by the time I was born, with families of their own; so although they were nice, kind, and loving to me, they were not overly invested. But I had a nephew and I was 13 years old! I knew then that no matter what, I wanted to be an aunt who tried as much as possible to pay attention and be involved. Now that nephew has a wife and four kids of his own, and The Tim and I are close to those kids, even though they live in Arizona and we live in Pennsylvania. It all worked out well. ;-)
You are the month of cooler weather, pretty leaves, hot drinks, and cozy clothes. You are the month I got married. You finish off in a spectacular fashion, by giving us Halloween.
But this year, I've decided you are going to be the month that I start making an effort to be more of myself. Though I'm doing better than I used to, I still need to realize that it's up to me to live my life the way I want to, regardless of what else is or is not happening. I want to stop chastising myself if I don't get things done on a weekend. If I decide to take a nap because I don't feel all that great today, it doesn't mean that I have to "make up" for it. I want to try and get back into my habit of tackling some things a little bit at a time, so I am not instead overwhelmed by the task all at once.
I want to try to take more walks. Taking walks has always been something I loved to do, but suddenly I am on my own, since my constant walking companion is gone. It's been hard to go out on my own. And since we walked everywhere in and out of the neighborhood together, there are very few new paths, so the ones imbued with memories are the ones I have to take. It will be OK, and I know I'll enjoy being on my own again at some point, but it's been really difficult. I'm going to use October to move ahead. :-)
I want to start enjoying things that have started to feel like chores and obligations because of my overall frame of mind. I love cooking and baking, especially on weekends, when I am not just trying to get something fixed at the end of a frustrating day at work. And since The Tim and I don't always get to have dinner together, I want to enjoy it when we do.
I know there are those who are somewhat disappointed to see you, because the start of October means they must finally admit that summer has ended. That is one of your best attributes, as far as I'm concerned. Instead of October as the End, I see you as a Beginning. Of things mentioned above, as the leader to the holiday season, as the time when wanting to stay at home and do my own thing is more acceptable - because, as you know, in the summer, you're supposed to want to be outside with friends all of the time, and it's suspicious if you aren't interested. But during October, "hibernating" becomes more acceptable. I thank you for that.
And so today as I am writing this, I'm still in my pjs, though I have been up for hours. I've had a lovely breakfast, two cups of tea, and only some vague notions of what I want to do for the rest of the day. I don't feel pressured to have a plan, and I'm not worried about admitting that.
Thank you, October, for allowing my perspective to clear and my soul to renew.
(Jordan Pond, Acadia National Park, shortly after sunrise, September 14, 2016)