You know what I haven't done for a long time? Friday letters. So what the heck, let's give it a try.
Dear Milo the Koodle,
I know you have only lived with us now for TEN YEARS, but do you think you might be able to learn to keep your claws in? I realize that your mother was a feral cat, and so she probably kept her claws out, and nice and sharp, because she actually needed to do that. But seriously, there is no reason you have to always have your claws ready for attack. I cannot remember a single incident during your life with us that required such defenses. Signed, Most of My Sweaters, All of My Arms, and Some of My Face
***
Dear Phillies,
Today is Opening Day for baseball. I hope you have a winning season for a change. But if at all possible, could you not have another season where you are seemingly on fire, winning most games, and then all of a sudden, seem to forget how to play baseball altogether and tank for the rest of the season. That's just rude.
Signed, Most Baseball Fans in Philadelphia
***
Dear Basketball-Playing Kid in Front of Our House,
Good for you for having something you'd rather do than beating others up and/or shooting them. And I'm glad the next-door neighbors have no problems with you using their hoop to shoot baskets now that their kids have all moved out. But I would like to request that you stop at 11:00 p.m. or sooner on nights that the weather is nice, because particularly on nights when I have to get up early for work the next day, it's hard to fall asleep with the sound of bouncing basketballs right outside.
Having said that, if you feel your only other option is crime, bounce away!
Signed, Your Neighbor Who Is Really Trying To Be Nice About It
***
Dear the 53 Senators Who Voted to Confirm Ketanji Brown Jackson,
Thank you.
Signed, A Citizen
***
Dear the 47 Senators Who Voted Against Her Confirmation,
Words cannot express what I hope happens to you someday. Telling you to go to h**l would be too kind.
Signed, A Citizen
***
Dear Whiny People Who Actually Have Nothing Whine About,
STFU.
Signed, Myself and Mostly Everyone I Know
***
And that's it. I hope you have a lovely weekend, full of what you want it to be.
8 comments:
Good letters! Have a nice weekend!
I enjoyed reading your letters! The basketball thing is a bit of a conundrum. Good luck with that!
Dear Sweaters, Arms, Face:
Not happening.
Dear Phillies Fan:
We'll give it a shot.
Dear Neighbor:
I'll give it a shot. (Ha! Basketball --- shot! Pun!}
Dear Citizen:
You're Welcome.
Dear Citizen:
There was a vote? I've been too busy. My staff didn't tell me about it.
Dear Yourself:
Oh, but whining is sooooo much funnnn.
Good ones! I've had to stay away from the news this week as every time I glance at it I break out in more rash. The world has gone crazy.
I adored the 1etters. And as a Cub fan, I re1ate!
Your letter to the Phillies could be sent by me, almost word for word, to the Cleveland Cavaliers basketball team. Sigh.
I'm sympathetic to your basketball player concern, and I have two of them three doors down, a pair of very nice brothers. On weekends and in the summer, they simply lose track of time. I did take a walk down there once, after midnight, and in my jammies. They were honestly shocked when I told them what time it was. I'm just thankful that they aren't playing any music.
I love peeking into your mailbag! Excellent letters, all. XO
Great letters! I do hope the basketball-playing kid isn't limited to a binary choice (basketball or crime) but maybe he'll stop sooner (if you go out and play your kazoo or something). I thought that was the way all Philadelphia sports teams played; usually, we just wait to see when in the season they'll tank.
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