07 December 2007

Cats' Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,

Hi, it’s Tess. I thought I’d write a note, since it’s Christmas and all, and I’m taking a little break from my kitty jihad and world domination plan (KJWDP).

I have been a good girl this year. Mostly. Many of the bad things were not totally my fault, or even half my fault. Think about it – why, if I’m comfy on my Cozy Cushion, does that Gray Menace have to even LOOK at it as if he wants to try it out??? Really, Santa, that is just asking to be attacked, don’t you think?

Anyway, if you are so inclined, here are things I would like:

The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli (not the audio book, as my hearing isn’t what it used to be).
At least one weapon of mass destruction.

If you are not comfortable with these requests, please at least bring some tuna and some crunchy treats (soft treats are for wimps).

Love, Tess

P.S. I know where you live.

Dear Santa,

Hello. How are you? How are Mrs. Claus and the reindeer? I think you are so brave to leave your house and travel the world, even if it is just on Christmas. I once ran out the front door of our house, and there was a bus on the next street over! I can’t imagine flying all over the place in a sleigh, and at night.

I have tried to be good this year. I miss my Abigail so much, but she made me promise to take care of our Da after she was gone, and I think I’m doing a good job of it, because my Da has not been trying to kill me as much as in other years. There have been periods as long as an hour where I have sat next to him on the couch, and nothing terrible has happened, can you believe it?! I wish Abigail could come back. She was the best sister, and would sit with me on the bed when I was scared because we had visitors downstairs. But I’m glad she is not sick anymore, because that made me very upset.

I would like to have one toy that Jetsam wasn’t interested in, so that I could play with it and he wouldn’t steal it. I am not sure what that toy would be, but maybe the elves could think of something. It doesn’t have to be big.

I would like a brush for my fur that would keep me from getting mats. We have a Furminator, but sometimes it scares me, and I can’t get brushed for very long. Every year, my Da and Ma make up an anti-mat motto, and I feel bad when it doesn’t work for the whole year. (I think next year’s is “Mats meet their fate, in 2008.”)

I like treats, but Jetsam jumps up and gets the bag, and then tears it apart and eats them all, so for me to get any, it would have to be a flavor that he doesn’t like. So far there doesn’t seem to be one. I like the soft ones, by the way.

I hope you have a good trip around the world this year. I promise to be fast asleep when you get to our house, but if Jetsam is awake, please try to come back later when he is finally asleep.

Merry Christmas, Santa.

Love, Garden Kitty

P.S. Please do not bring anything to our house for The Dog Next Door. It only encourages him to come over. Thank you.



Wow! I am so excited that you will be coming to our house! I love Christmas! I have been helping with decorations and cookies and wrapping paper, and it’s so much fun!

Do you like treats? I love treats! Any flavor, soft or hard! I hope you will bring LOTS of treats for me! Toys are also fun! I love to catch balls, or chase string, or attack catnip mice! Garden Kitty always says we have plenty of toys, but I think that you can never have too many toys, because I like to play with them at different times, and sometimes Garden Kitty has one I like, and he gives it to me! He is a fun brother, and sometimes pretends that he doesn’t want to play, and will growl at me! It’s so funny! So I just jump on top of him and act like I’m fighting back! I especially like it when we can play that game in the middle of the night!

Catnip! Oh how I love catnip! Sometimes when we get some catnip, Garden Kitty pretends he doesn’t want his, so he gives it to me! Then he tries to get it back, but I know he is pretending, so I jump on top of him and act like I’m fighting back! It’s so funny, I know you would laugh at us!

Also, please bring us bigger food bowls! The ones we have are so little, I have to gobble my food, and then go and finish everyone else’s! Tess and Garden Kitty eat so slow, there is always more in their bowls. They act like they are mad, but I know they are just pretending! They are so funny!

Oh, and bigger water bowls too! By the time I splash some of the water out of my bowl, it’s almost all gone! And our Da and Ma won’t leave the faucets on all day for us to have a drink, so I really need a bigger bowl!

That’s all I can think of right now! I’d better run downstairs, because I think I hear the boxes of decorations being opened, and I should really help with that!

Bye Santa! I’ll stay up and wait for you on Christmas Eve! (It’s OK if you want to pretend that you are mad at me, and then still leave presents!)

Love, Jetsam

P.S. I can’t wait to try the cookies we leave out for you!


Mr Puffy's Knitting Blog: said...

I just Love it! What a clever way to share the personality of each of your furry friends. I hope they will each receive what they most want!

Carrie K said...

That is hilarious. I hope they get their Christmas wishes!

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Anonymous said...

Why do I feel like Tess muscled to the keyboard first, then did the feline equivalent of a teenager's eye roll as GK and Jetsam pounded out their requests? (Although, she probably stole away after the fourth or fifth exclamation point in the latter's letter.)

Carol said...

I think you omitted the P.S. on the second one: P.S. Please bring me a real name. I hate going through life being called "Garden Kitty." How about Tallulah Belle? Or Lola Mae. Kai. Bye.

Sue V said...

Mooch wants a present too.

Brigitte said...

Hee hee! With those letters, they're sure to get their wishes! I could insert "Atticus" "Mae" and "Gandalf" in that order to your letters, and it would suit them to a T as well.

(Jetsam and Gandalf sound like 2 peas in a pod!)

Chris said...

Completely brilliant! I could insert "Chaos" instead of "Tess" and "Mayham" instead of "Jetsam."

mary said...

Oh my! The best blog post I've read in quite while. What nice kitties, well, perhaps not Tess :)

AsKatKnits said...

Oh... I have never laughed so hard!!! What brilliant writing! I will be watching for kitty jihad photos!!!

Thanks for brightening my day!!

Carol said...


UnderMeOxter said...

Loved this post - has me giggling. I love the sound of your cats. You've sketched out their individual personalities so well.

Lorraine said...

This may sound obvious, but wouldn't "Flotsam" be a good name for Garden Kitty?

Brilliant, just brilliant. I'm sure that's exactly what the kitties wanted to say.

LadyLungDoc said...

Bwa ha ha!! Love the kitty posts!!!

knitseashore said...

I have a Jetsam called Rosie! Thank you for the laugh. I came over from Brigitte's.

Barbara from Nova Scotia said...

LMOL! Perfect. My cats want to meet your cats.